I cried today.

I cried today.

Not a sob but a stream of tears for a few hours (and in public). I sent a sorry for myself text to someone trying to be kind. I hurt today in a way I haven’t for awhile. It’s been… well… probably since last winter that I felt this. This wound opening. Like a festering infection of a seemingly harmless cut. A familiar and yet surprising sensation of complete and total self pity.

I didn’t always used to feel this terrible this time of year. I’ve also never really been this alone. I think back to my younger years and the holidays were solid. A quintessential family unit growing up with all of it’s normalcy of traditions. As that faded into adulthood, I worked in high-end restaurants for way too many years where my staff family and I coveted this time of year. We worked long hours, made absurd amounts of money and spent the majority of it celebrating with each other. It’s only been in the last few years that this time of year has been altered. My family unit no longer mine, but a scattering of separation. My work decreased greatly with the shift into self employment and seasonality. A connection to the outdoors reduced – my solace aside from social stimulus. My losses only amplified by everyone I’ve ever known coupling up, having families, starting traditions of their own.

I cried today because I now hate this time of year. Without a central structure, without the busy-ness of stacking cash, I feel so incredibly alone as everyone hunkers down, fills their schedule, and prepares for winter. Now, I know I’m not really alone. My friends and family would be offended to hear me say so. They’re there. So are you… I get it. I feel it. I would say the same thing too. Your offering to invite me over, your inclusion only increases my fullness of pity. A harsh truth that only makes me feel worse because I know your intentions are good and sincere. Guilt added to shame added to loneliness. Fuck it!

I knew this was coming based on my experience of the last few years. I’ve even attempted to avoid it by diving into my feelings, escaping the weather and taking some time off. In one week I leave for warm beaches, solitude, and deep introspection. I guess it wasn’t soon enough. You would think I would be happy, excited, relieved. Instead, I’m scared, uncertain and unexpectedly crying  profusely on a perfectly tolerable autumn evening. I have no idea where this scab has come from. Why I’m acting in this way? Why the change in weather hurts so much? I imagine purpose would ease it’s pain. It’s not as easy as a bandage of money, food or alcohol anymore. So, I guess I’m packing my bag, declining your invitations and letting the tears flow for now.

I hope to shift this experience from here on out. It may mean redefining this time of year and what it means for me. It may be finding a healthy way to escape. If you happen to be someone who knows this kind of hurt, I’m sorry and I won’t try to appease you with pathetic protocol. I’ll do the work and hope to light a way.

Follow me here to feel less alone or just to see how I stumble.

By |2017-11-18T18:47:04+00:00November 18th, 2017|Categories: Autumn, Meanderings, Seasons|Tags: , , , , , |10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. Emily November 18, 2017 at 7:58 pm - Reply

    Love you. Holding you in my heart. Thank you for naming & sharing this. Keep shining your light.

  2. Lucy November 18, 2017 at 9:02 pm - Reply

    Summer, that really rings true for many reasons. Sorry you are going through this. I think crying is incredibly useful. Let the tears flow.

  3. auntie kathleen November 19, 2017 at 2:46 am - Reply

    you are a divine soul on a journey most of us never get to experience. we are locked in our daily lives with obligations that keep us from finding our true selves. I am jealous and in awe of your strength, beauty and clarity. you know you are loved beyond measure, beautiful beyond words, capable beyond expectations. go and find yourself. let us know what you find. not all of us can be there.

  4. Christine November 19, 2017 at 5:36 am - Reply

    I understand. ❤️

  5. Sophie November 20, 2017 at 4:04 pm - Reply

    I can relate in so many ways Summer. Thank you for sharing, it makes my sadness more bareable in a way. Love you.

  6. Kassidy November 20, 2017 at 6:14 pm - Reply

    Shining the light into our dark corners takes so much courage and the tears are necessary.
    I love you and am holding you in my heart.

  7. CW November 20, 2017 at 9:48 pm - Reply

    Hey kiddo, you know you are loved deeply by many people, especially by your parents. In your period of quietus and respite, focus on gratitude. It is the core of what allows us to be happy

  8. Sharon Ryder November 21, 2017 at 10:59 pm - Reply

    Thanks for sharing and being real!❤️😃

  9. Tallie November 24, 2017 at 4:15 pm - Reply

    We all stumble it is how we get back up that matters.
    I love you

  10. sara ohara November 27, 2017 at 1:31 am - Reply

    SAD (seasonal affected disorder) is part of it, I’m sure. Maybe time to return to San Diego where the natural sun has stimulated and healed me in so many ways…all the best SweetPea.

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